Introducing: the cheat sheet!

Thought I’d try something different: Instead of the usual carefully researched and elegantly styled prose masterpiece, how about a handy clip-n’-save listicle to keep you up to date on all the news that fits.

It’s been a busy stretch—way back in April, Trump passed the 10,000 mark for verified, 100% wrong statements. That’s ten thousand things he’s said that turned out to be entirely false—not an exaggeration, not a gaffe, not a mere misstatement: 10,000 things that are just plain wrong. People who prefer straight talk call these wrong statements or “untruths” by another word: They call them “lies.”

At any rate, let’s get started: Read it, as they say, and weep:

• Tired of paying your hard-earned money for all those freeloaders taking advantage of the “socialist” system? Me too: In one year, the average American taxpayer making $50,000 a year pays $36 toward food stamps, $6 for other “social safety net” programs—and $870 toward corporate subsidies, $1,600 to offset corporate tax loopholes, and $1,231 to offset losses from corporations using overseas addresses to avoid paying taxes. Turns out it’s actually pretty easy to help the poor—it’s corporate welfare that’s killing us.

• Of the 15 states with the highest poverty rates in the U.S., 14 voted for Trump, 14 have Republican-controlled legislatures, and 13 have Republican-majority delegations in Congress.

• “Too bad!”—what the President of the United States tweeted out when he learned that the house of someone who had criticized him—68-year-old Maryland Congressman Elijah Cummings—had been burglarized.

• Forget Trump’s old pal Jeffrey Epstein for a moment: Trump’s Kentucky campaign chairman and Oklahoma campaign chairman are both in jail for child sex trafficking.

• “The media is infamous for fake news”—from the screed of the El Paso shooter, who murdered 22 people on August 3

• “Fake News has contributed greatly to the anger and rage that has built up over many years.”—the President of the United States, two days later

• About Trump’s payouts to farmers (after essentially cancelling their export markets with his ongoing trade war with China): The richest 1% of farmers (or, more likely, “farm organizations, corporations, or partnerships, often located in the country’s largest cities) received an average of $188,000 in payouts (which absolutely no one is calling welfare, or socialism, right?), while the 80% of farmers on the other end of the stick averaged less than $5,000.

• The only thing the United States exports to Japan, according to Trump’s speech on Tuesday: Wheat. “Wheat! That’s not a good deal. And they don’t even want our wheat. They do it to make us feel good.”

• What we actually export to Japan, according to Trump’s own Office of U.S. Trade (aside from $36 billion in fuels, machinery, optical and medical instruments, and aircraft): corn ($2.8 billion), beef and beef products ($2.1 billion), pork and pork products ($1.6 billion), and soybeans ($947 million). Wheat actually comes in last on the agricultural exports, at $698 million.

• “If you go out and survey farmers and ask them for their results, you won’t find any that feel they’ve been made whole by this program.”—Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue, talking about government relief payments for farmers on July 25

• “The farmers—they come out totally whole.”—the President of the United States, August 2

• “Pelé”—Trump’s nickname among caddies at his courses. (For the young kids out there: Pelé was the Michael Jordan or Wayne Gretzky of soccer—look him up.) Why did they call him that? Not only is Trump is known for kicking his golf ball to improve his lie (so to speak)—but he’s also known for kicking his fellow players’ balls into sand traps.

•In Nigeria, “MAGA” means “easily fooled idiot.”

• In the United Kingdom, “trump” means “fart.”

Corey Seymour is a proud NRHS graduate who went on to study political science, economics and literature at UND and Georgetown University. A former writer and editor on the National Affairs Desk at “Rolling Stone” and at many other magazines, he now works as a senior editor at “Vogue” in New York. Write him at [email protected].