Eyes that see the good in things- First Mother's Day as a grandma

Some of you may already know this because I have been proclaiming it from the rooftops, but last week, I became a first-time grandma. That makes this Mother’s Day even more special. It’s my first Mother’s Day as a grandma and it is my daughter’s first Mother’s Day since her son was born. Their baby boy was born last Thursday, which just happens to be “paper day” at the Transcript. It is the day that we prepare the paper to go to print. Everyone here will attest to the pull I felt to make it to Minot to see that little guy on his first day.

We made it! Both sets of grandparents (and the other set had to come from California) were there to welcome him with open arms on his first day. I know that I am probably singing to the choir to the people who are already grandparents, but it’s hard to fathom how much love you can feel for your child’s child. I spent the weekend with them at their home, so I was there when they brought their long-awaited son home for the first time. It was an honor to be there to watch the bond between the baby and the new parents continue to grow.

My daughter is an amazingly competent mother and I marvel at her energy level, as she worked a demanding job right up to the birth of her baby and now puts that same level of energy into caring for her son. A new baby turns parents’ lives upside down and yet, grandparents, too, must adjust to their new roles. There will be undoubtedly be a few missteps and lessons learned along the way.

As I watched the new parents with their baby, I tried to be mindful of the fact that this is their child. Although I was in the house and willing to help when asked, I had read that the First Commandment for Grandparents (and it’s one I will strive to keep) is love thy grandchild as thyself but remember he’s not yours!

Even though I am drawn to him with a force that feels stronger than gravity, I am, in fact, backup— part of an extended-family support team, a relief player. I may be besotted, but I must win over his parents in order to get to spend time with him. There’s nothing wrong with this arrangement; it’s perfectly natural. There is a fierce protective instinct for parents that must be biological.

I remember that feeling as a mother and, now that I’m on the other side of the fence, I’m discovering that the role of grandmother takes some getting used to as well, especially for women like me who are accustomed to “taking over” and laying claim to those we love, notably our children. This grandmother business is pretty humbling.

Complicating matters are the ever-changing guidelines that seem to barrage new parents. “Parents today suffer from information overload,” one mom said. “There are so many rules thrust on us that you feel like you’re negligent if you don’t follow every single one.” And we all know how much parenting changes over the years.

How many newborn babies rode home from the hospital cradled (safely?) in their mother’s arms, instead of being securely belted into a regulation, fire-department-installed car seat. What’s more, as soon as they got home, that tiny baby was laid down to sleep on his stomach. This brings us to the Second Commandment of Grandparenthood: Listen to thy adult children. They may know something you don’t.

While I have made a conscious decision to be selective about offering advice, I liked some advice given to grandparents on a blog called “A Grand Life.” The author said that she rarely gives advice, but if she was given a chance to tell her daughter, and other new moms, a few things on Mother’s Day, this is the advice she would give.

1. Don’t worry if you make a mistake, we all make mistakes. She tells her daughter that she made plenty of mistakes along the way, as even the most well-intentioned parent will. As long as no one gets hurt, laugh and learn.

2. Maintain an identity besides being your baby’s mom. He’s the center of your world and that’s as it should be, but don’t forget who you are apart from being his mother.

3. Remember to make your marriage a priority. This is tough in the first year, but it gets easier. Your kids will be fine with a babysitter for an evening or with their grandparents for a weekend. (See how I worked that in?) Every marriage needs time to be a couple and not just co-parents.

4. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Many people struggle with this one. Children can pay the price for having a too-often-stressed-out mother. A working mom trying to take care of the house, the garden, the pets and the kids will obviously need help. Your mom doesn’t live that far away!

5. Include yourself in the pictures. There are too many kids who have pictures with their dads but very few with their moms. Your children will cherish those pictures someday.

6. Don’t get caught up in the guilt trips. Listen to the arguments about breast vs. bottle, cloth diapers vs. disposable, working moms vs. stay-at-home moms and then do what you know is right for you and your family.

7. Parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love but it’s normal not to love every day of parenting. Parenting is hard work and though the years may fly, some days seem to last forever. It’s okay to feel that way.

8. “Don’t let perfection be the enemy of good.” We all want to do our best, especially in parenting, but will it really affect the quality of your child’s life if you buy a birthday cake instead of spending hours creating a Pinterest masterpiece? Don’t get so caught up in the pursuit of perfection that you miss the fun!

9. Play with your kids. You shouldn’t be their playmate all the time, but every once in a while, drop what you’re doing, get down on the floor and enter their world. Show them that you take joy in their existence.

10. Love is the most important requirement for the job. Trust your instinct. Let your words and actions leave no doubt of your love for your child.

Enjoy every minute of this special day— your first Mother’s Day and all the love and goodies that it brings. The best Mother’s Day presents I received in years past were letters and cards written by my kids, precious missiles of love and affirmation I still treasure dearly.

For my precious daughter’s first Mother’s Day I wish for her, and every mother, unburned toast served in bed (preferably on a plate), your child’s handprints on construction paper and maybe a letter of love from your little ones. Happy Mother’s Day!

We would love to share local stories about the good things your eyes are seeing.

Stop in to share your stories with us, give us a call at 947-2417 or e-mail us at [email protected]. Or send a letter to Eyes That See the Good in Things, c/o Allison Lindgren, The Transcript 6 8th St N., New Rockford, ND 58356.